My father had it.
I wanted it.
And so I asked for it.
It doesn’t come all at once, and it doesn’t come easy. I don’t remember my father struggling for it, but he kept his thoughts and feelings private. Perhaps I was too young to understand. He kept balance in our home. There was no stress or strife. Whatever problems or concerns he may have had, I never knew.
What I did know was this. The thing he possessed, I ran from for most of my life. What I didn’t know was that I had it all the time, but I couldn’t see it. Until I stopped, went silent and waited. Then it occurred to me, to ask.
Why didn’t I see if earlier?
I looked in the wrong places. I played the “if” game. You know the one.
If I had more money, if I had the right people, if I had more time, more, more and more. If I had all this I would make it big. I would be successful at what I was doing.
I let others dictate to me what I should and should not do. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one, including myself.
If only…
I didn’t realize that wanting it comes with a price?
We seek it like a dream or a desperate passion. Until it comes face to face with us. That thing we ask for, it will eventually connect with us on life’s journey, mine did, despite my attempts to unravel my true destiny.
But I wanted it more than anything, just like my father had, I wanted to know what it felt like…
That peace, a peace that passes all understanding.
It is my belief the method of finding that which we seek is revealed in those quiet moments, alone.
The Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius wrote in his Meditations: “Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.”
Thomas Merton, the Catholic contemplative, expressed a similar sentiment: “We cannot find peace in exterior things. We must find it in ourselves in that interior solitude where we meet God.”
The poet Rainer Maria Rilke offered this insight: “The only journey is the one within.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson himself wrote: “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.”
The Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh observed: “Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see. The question is whether or not we are in touch with it.”
Thoreau told Emerson “You seek it like a dream and as soon as you find it you become its prey.”
This I believe.