My father had it.
I wanted it.
And so I asked for it.
It doesn’t come all at once. It doesn’t come easy. I don’t remember my father struggling for it, but he kept his thoughts and feelings private. Perhaps I was too young to understand. He kept balance in our home. There was no stress or strife. Whatever problems or concerns he may have had, I never knew.
What I did know was this. The very thing he possessed was what I had run from all my life, and what I had looked for most of my life. I had it all the time, but I couldn’t see it. Until I stopped, went silent and waited. Then it occurred to me, to ask. I looked in the wrong places. I played the “if” game. You know the one.
If I had more money, if I had the right people, if I had more time, more, more and more. If I had all this I would get some place. I would be successful at what I was doing. If I let others dictate to me what I should and should not do. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one, including myself.
Did you know that wanting it comes with a price? We seek it like a dream or desperate passion. Until it comes face to face with us. That thing we ask for, it will eventually connect with us on life’s journey, mine did, despite my attempts to unravel my true destiny.
But I wanted it more than anything, just like my father had, I wanted to know what it felt like…
That peace, a peace that passes all understanding.
It is my belief the method of finding that which we seek is revealed in those quiet moments, alone.
Thoreau told Emerson “You seek it like a dream and as soon as you find it you become its prey.”
This I believe.